


The Apprentice's Journal

by izzinner



Series: The Apprentice's Entries [1]
Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Arguing, Character Death, Diary/Journal, Fluff, Memories, Other, Plague, lying about herbs, remembering things, the docks aren't a good place for you and julian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-31
Packaged: 2019-07-03 22:10:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15827913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/izzinner/pseuds/izzinner
Summary: Takes place while you're Julian's apprentice during the plague. It's the entries from your journal and the memories tied to them.





	1. 10/04

**Author's Note:**

> My first work! Please ignore any grammar errors I may have missed, cause I knew if I didn't post this now I wasn't going to at all. Lets get to it B)

10/04

We lost another patient today. I can feel a part of Julian chip away every time he loses someone. I used to be able to coax him out of the mood he gets into, but lately he’s just been pushing me away. I understand why, but I can’t help but feel guilty for not being… Enough. When I started working with him, he was so hopeful, both of us were. I remember the first day I started, when the clinic closed, we had dinner in an old booth at the cafe. That was before we started losing patients every day. Before we realized things were far from hopeful. 

____

“So, you were doing this all on your own before?” You broke the silence, asking him just as the waitress put your meals down in front of you. The cafe was quiet, just down the street from the clinic Jules owned in the south end. The entire place was dimly lit and was constructed almost entirely of wood, floors, walls, tables, even the candlesticks were carved from it. 

“Yeah I did,” Jules chuckled sadly, eyeing his food. His auburn curls dangled above his forehead, and he was taller than you even while seated. “I never realized how much it was until today.” He picked up a fork, starting to stab at his seafood salad. You studied him, noticing the heavy bags under his eyes. He looks more than tired, absolutely exhausted, and you start to wonder how long it’s been since he’s gotten some sleep. 

“I’m surprised you haven’t completely burnt yourself out!” You gave him a smile, before starting to stir at your own meal. You bring a soup filled spoon up to your lips, blowing at it softly. You see Jules looking at you with an expression you don’t recognize. His mouth is slightly open, and his eyes are focused specifically on you. It almost looks as if his cheeks are traced with pink, but you assume it’s just the lighting in the cafe playing tricks. “Why didn’t you ever take help?” You continue. 

After hearing that, his expression falls away, and he averts his eyes. “I didn’t want to put anyone in harm's way. I understand how dangerous the job is, I just didn’t wanna see anyone hurt. It’s.. ironic, I know, but it's just hard to explain.” He struggles to get his words out, and looks worried when he sees the sly look on your face. 

“I’m assuming you had a change of heart then?” You smirked, trying to make the atmosphere around you both a bit more lighthearted, but as the words leave your mouth, he realizes the contradiction in his statement and goes frantic.

“Yes- yes I did, I didn’t mean it like that at all, I’m-I'd never want to put you in harms way, I was very hesitant to take you in to help for that reason-” Jules stutters trying to correct himself. 

“I’m just pulling your leg!!” You exclaim, finding one of his legs underneath the table and squeezing it between the both of yours, to attest to the figure of speech you used. But Jules’s eyes just go even wider, staring up at you. Realizing that you may have crossed a boundary, you pultl away, speaking fast in hopes he won’t mention your awkward move. “I understand what you mean, completely.” 

To your surprise, you can see a flash of disappointment in his face when you pull your legs away, but he recovers and laughs, running a hand through his hair. “Of course you were. I’m sorry, I’m just wound up a bit tight. Having you around is a huge help, but like I said before, I want to make sure you’re alright.. The job is very.. difficult. Physically and emotionally. If it ever gets to be too much-” 

You cut him off, “I’ll be fine, Doctor Jules. I’m very resilient.” Winking at him, you flash a bright smile. 

“Indeed you are!” He laughs, taking your hand in his and giving you a smirk, “And there’s no need for pleasantries, dear. Call me Julian.” 

“Alright… Julian.” You teased, squeezing his hand before pulling away, his cheeks flushing a bright red that stretches up to the tips of his ears. 

Julian continues on his meal, or at least attempts to, before speaking again. “Anyways.. you remember everything I taught you today, right? About the masks, and how to protect yourself, and-” 

You stop him quickly, knowing he could go rambling on forever about safety. “I remember. There's no need to worry about me, you have enough to worry about already.” 

He looks concerned, and pushes his plate back to signify he’s done eating, even though he’s only had about two bites. “I just want to make sure. I’m going to do everything I can to keep you safe, I promise.”

The amount of concern he’s expressing for you makes your heart race, but you can tell just from spending the day with him that he’s extremely careless when it comes to his own health. While he had been giving you the tour of his clinic earlier, you could see that he was practically starving himself, and you see it in his face that he hardly sleeps. “As long as you let me do the same for you.” You stare at him seriously, taking him by surprise with your statement. 

“I-” Julian begins to protest, but his lips curl into the sweetest smile you’ve ever seen. “Alright.” It seems as if this is the first time someone’s offered to care for him as he takes care of you. 

You put your elbow down on the table holding out your smallest finger to him declaring, “You’ve gotta pinky swear on it.” 

He raises an eyebrow and chuckles at you while examining your hand, then you. “What?”

You adjust yourself to sit on your knees, which allows you to be the same height as him. You bring your face close to his, looking at him with curious eyes. “You don’t know what a pinky swear is?” 

Julian laughs, taking your pinky and curling it around his own. “Yes, but it’s been a very long time since I’ve last done it.” His finger lingers around yours, and you find yourself lost in his stormy eyes for what seems like forever. He breaks the moment, pulling his arm back. “Actually, the last time I pinky swore…” and he begins to tell a tale, expressing it all with hand gestures before standing up to reenact a fight. You watched him with adoringly, but eventually grab him, pulling him down into the your side of the booth. He looks surprised for a moment, but a smirk forms quickly at his lips. “Can’t get enough of me already?”

“Not nearly.” You return his smirk with one of your own. “But you’re gonna collapse if you don’t eat. Please.” You begged, pulling his plate across the table to him. His cheeks get pink as he reluctantly begins his meal again, continuing the story with a sparkle in his eye and a hand settled softly over yours.


	2. 11/26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> julian is angery

11/26

The plague is only getting worse now. We have several patients dying each day, and it’s gotten to the point where Vesuvia is so desperate for a cure that they’ve called anyone willing to do research to the palace. Julian wants to go, and of course I’ll join him. The plague is all he talks about now, and it’s obviously for good reason. It’s all you see out on the streets, it’s all the talk at the cafe, everyone’s affected by it. He’s continuously pushing me away because of it all. I know he isn’t doing it purposely, but I wish I could just take him away from it. Just for a few minutes. I know how much good a break would do him, but he won’t let me. The last time I tried to take him to the docks to unwind, it didn’t end well. I just don’t know what to do to help him any more. 

\----

“I think Ms. Alderight was just allergic to the medicine we gave her… She had reactions none of our other patients had…” Julian rambles on, walking while looking over files in his journal, writing notes all over the pages. Today was one of the worst days you both have ever had, and Julian can’t tear himself away from looking through his work and going over it thousands of times. You decided it might be good to take a break and go to the docks. Since you know Julian never would have agreed on account of the fact that he’s, “too busy for anything,” you convinced him to come by saying the shop was running out of herbs, and you needed his help restocking. So here he is, walking while nose deep in his notes. You lead him along, your arm looped around his to make sure he doesn’t run into anything. Since he isn’t necessarily paying any attention to where you’re going, leading him to the docks is easy. When you get there, you look around. It’s a quiet night, and the water is so flat, it almost looks frozen. You pull your arm away from Julian, gently resting two fingers on his notebook and pulling it down. He looks up at you with sunken eyes and pale skin, then looks around. 

“This.. This is the docks, why are we.. Why are we here? We need herbs for the masks.” Julian sounds stern when he speaks, and he glares back at you, his eyes piercing. 

You’re almost afraid to explain that you tricked him into coming, but find the courage anyways, “I brought you here. We’re well stocked, my love. I just thought you needed a break, especially after today.” 

“Well you thought wrong.” He growled, closing his journal and crossing his arms over his chest. “I have a job to do that I can’t with distractions like this.” 

“I’m…” You find yourself at a loss for words. Out of all the possible outcomes you had imagined, this was nowhere near any of them. “Julian, this isn’t healthy. You need to slow down-”

“I’m fine. I don’t need to do anything, other than keep working.” He begins to raise his voice, looking at his surroundings again. There’s no one around you two, and the silence when he stops speaking is deafening.

You think about what you’re going to say carefully, scared to make him more upset than he already is. “When was the last time you slept?” You ask, and you have to try hard to keep your voice from quivering. You can already feel tears forming in your eyes from his harsh words, but you do everything you can to keep them from falling down your cheeks. Pursing your lips, you try to keep your expression as serious as possible. 

“I-” He looks taken aback by your question, his eyes widening. He’s looking everywhere except your direction. “That doesn’t matter.” His voice is low now, and his eyebrows knit together, looking almost confused. It seems as if he can’t even remember the last time he got some sleep. 

“Yes it does, Julian!!” You step towards him, getting as close as you think you’re allowed. He finally turns to look at you, and you hesitantly reach out to touch his glove, speaking to him as gently as possible. “You’re pushing yourself too hard, this isn’t good for you.” 

He considers your words, but then looks down at his journal, holding it tightly in his hand. That one glance down makes him snap. His journal is like a reminder of every person he couldn’t save, of all the times that he’s failed. Julian yanks away from your touch and walks farther down the docks. “It doesn’t matter!! I know my limits. I don’t need you watching over me!” He argued, raising his tone up to a yell. 

“I…We promised. To keep each other safe.” You cast your mind back to the day you started working with him and the dinner you shared together. You start to compare the way you felt then to how you feel right now. On that night, despite it being the first few days of the plague, you were… Happy. Your heart was beating in your chest just as fast then as it is now, but that night it was beating excitedly. Now it’s beating anxiously, fearful for how this argument will end. You walk cautiously over to Julian, reaching out to him. “I’m trying to stick to that-” 

“I don’t _fucking _give a shit!!” He blows up, turning towards you. He finally has some color on his cheeks and ears, although it's not red for the reason you would’ve liked. “I’m just fine without you, so you can just stop trying.” He stomps past you, and you can see his angered aura emanating around him as he gets farther down the dock. “I’m going back home,” He calls out, not looking back, “This was all just a waste of time.”__

__You watch him leave, although your vision is obscured by the hot tears falling down your face. You sit on the edge of the dock with your feet dangling down, the bottoms of your shoes grazing the surface of the water. The only sound surrounding you now is your own sniffling._ _


	3. 01/03

01/03

Last night, in the dungeon. I stayed late with Julian in his office, as usual. Everyone had already left for the most part, everyone besides Valdemar of course. I heard a cough from one of our patients outside of Julians office. The cough turned into choke, which brought Julian out of his notetaking trance. He asked me to go out and check on him. I was so tired. I didn’t even realize that I had forgotten to put my mask on until I felt the blood from our patient’s coughs splatter against my bare face. If I would’ve gone back to get my mask, he would’ve died for certain. I did everything I could for him. But it was too late regardless. I’m not sure if I’m infected or not. I feel okay as of this morning. Just a scratchy throat. It could be from anything. Anything. I’ll be fine. I haven’t told Julian. I don’t want to stress him out any more than he already is, he didn’t even notice me walking back into the office without my mask when it happened. I’m fine. I just need to distract myself. Think of something else. Julian. I’ll think of him. 

\----

Working to find a cure in the castle was not like anything you would’ve expected. You and Julian share a tiny office, and work the day in the dungeon that’s located under the palace. Your boss is one of Count Lucio’s Courtiers, Quaestor Valdemar. They work all the doctors in the office until we’re running on fumes and then some more. It’s exhausting. 

You shuffle into the office, and Julian is slumped uncomfortably in the small cot you made specifically for this situation. He has a book open on his lap, and a pencil still in his hands. Things haven’t been the same between you both since your argument on the dock. When you had gotten back to the office a few hours later, he had treated you as if it never happened. You suspected it was for professional reasons, so you went along with it, and have since then, although you still sense the tension between the two of you. You look at Julian. His face is pale and it almost looks as if he was in a bar fight, his dark circles looking like black eyes. This is the first time in gods know how long that you’ve seen him get some rest, and you can't help but smile a bit knowing he’s not going to collapse sometime throughout the day. You slowly slide the pencil out of his gloved hands, and lift the book from his lap, careful not to wake him. You see him stir a bit, his nose scrunching up as you put the book and pencil down on the desk beside you. You take a slow step back over to Julian, bending down and grabbing a thin blanket from the floor, tossing it in the air to unfold it and letting it fall gently over him.

“I’m sorry…” Julian mumbles, startling you a bit. You look over at him to see that his eyes are still closed, and you make soft “shh” noises, hoping that will guide him back to sleep as you tuck him into the blanket. 

“I'm awake, my dear.” Julian whispers now, and you look over to see his half lidded eyes looking straight at you. 

You look away from him, taking a step back and bumping softly into the desk behind you. “I'm sorry for waking you.” You apologize, crossing your arms over your chest. 

“No, I’m sorry.” He utters the same words he had a second ago. He looks half asleep, and his hair is a birds nest atop his head.

“For what?” You raise an eyebrow, confused as to what he could be talking about. 

“The other night. At the docks.” Julian sighs, pulling his gloves off and rubbing his eyes. You’re shocked to hear him bring that up, and you feel your heart begin to race just thinking back to that night. “You were right. About everything. I…” He struggles to get the words out, avoiding your gaze. “I was under a lot of stress and pressure. I still am, and I know I’m working myself too hard, but I can’t help it. I’m supposed to be helping people, and if I’m not, who is? People are dying, because I’m not doing enough…” Julian smothers his face with his hands, and you hear a faint sniffle come from his direction. “I took it all out on you, and you didn’t deserve any of it, and I didn’t mean any of it-” He cuts himself off when you put a hand down on his arm, gently tugging it away from his face. 

“It's okay, Julian…” You whisper, and he looks up at you, his eyes watery. The sight nearly brings you to tears yourself, and you slide your hand up his arm to hold his hand, caressing his knuckles with your thumb. “It's okay.”

He stares at you with parted lips as if he was going to speak, but the words got lost somewhere along the way. Instead, he stands up slowly, the blanket falling off his body as he embraces you. It catches you off guard, but you quickly start to take everything in. His arms are wrapped tightly around you, one hand resting on the small of your back and the other curled around the nape of your neck. His cheek is resting on your forehead, and you can hear him mumbling phrases like “Thank you so much,” and “What would I do without you?”. You can't help but smile, and after a few moments pass, you pull away from him just enough to see his face, his hands sliding down to cradle your sides, holding you in a way that feels like he’s afraid to let go. 

“Let’s get some sleep, hm?” You take his cheek in your hand, tilting your head at him. He nods slightly, laying down in his previous position and opening up his arms. You stare at him questionably, a small smile appearing on your face. “Is there space?” You ask, examining the narrow cot you built (with spotty craftsmanship). Julian nods quickly, grabbing your hand and tugging you closer to him. You crawl in, your bodies pressed together with you above him slightly. Julian grabs the blanket off the floor, and after tossing it over the both of you he wraps an arm around you, and brings another one up to smooth some hair out of your face. He studies you, and you start to start to feel nervous under his gaze. You bring your hand up to his forehead, resting your palm against it to check is temperature. “Are you feeling okay?” 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” He chuckles. Julian. chuckles. You can’t even remember the last time he smiled around you, now he’s chuckling. You try to hide the surprise on your face, but it doesn’t work very well. “I guess I just had a change of heart. Or I’ve finally gone mad, I can’t tell yet.” He chuckles again, and you can’t help but to laugh as well. The whole world melts away, and you and Julian forget about everything going on around you, finally taking a well deserved break.


	4. 01/04

01/04

My Dearest Julian,  
By the time you read this, I’ll have gone to the Lazaret. There was already an overflow of patients here, and I didn’t want you to go through the emotional trauma of seeing me. I got sick, my love. I’m so sorry things had to end this way. I’m leaving you my journal full of all my thoughts throughout my time with you. Although it may have been short and surrounded by Death, I wouldn’t take back for anything. Please don’t blame yourself for this. There’s nothing you could have done. I know you. I know you’re going to think it’s your fault. I know you’re not going to sleep or eat for days trying to find the cure, so that this doesn’t happen to anyone else. Just take care of yourself, Julian. For me. Live on for me. Find the cure, for me and all of Vesuvia. I know you can. 

Love always,  
Your Apprentice

\----

You take one last look at your journal, picking it up and flipping through the pages. You remember each and every day as if it were yesterday, and you wonder where the time went. You chuckle to yourself. You walked into the job knowing this outcome was more than likely to happen, but you never imagined that it'd actually come to it. Yet here you are. Sitting in Julian’s office, planning to escape to the Lazaret without a goodbye. You don’t want to make it any harder than it already is, for either of you. Without warning, a coughing fit overcomes you, blood from your aching throat now dotting your journal. You pull a handkerchief up to your mouth, your eyes tearing up at the force of the cough. It feels like your insides will pour out of you at any minute, and your fever makes it difficult for you to do much of anything, but you’re powering through. You pull your mask on to hide your bloody red eyes. Standing at the door, you take one final look at Julian’s office before walking out through the dungeon. 

You make your way through the halls of the palace, trying to keep a low profile. It’s not difficult though, everyone around is setting up for the masquerade, and hardly anyone notices you. You pass the library, walking by quickly knowing Julian is in there. You eye the door, praying it doesn’t open. Your heart sinks knowing he’s in there, with no idea of what he’s about to go through. 

“Oh! Hello, my dear-" You stop right in your tracks when you hear Julian’s voice in front of you. "I was just getting a bite to eat.” He stands tall with his mask off, munching on an apple. 

“Look who’s finally learning to take care of himself! That’s great, love.” You do your best to front, trying hard to keep your scratchy voice from sounding. 

“Did you come up for a snack?” Julian gestures towards the kitchen, but then looks back at you curiously. "Or were you just sneaking up to see me?"

You rolled your eyes, but doubted he could see it through the mask. "You do know not everything is about you, right?" You state jokingly, trying your hardest to act as normal as possible around him.

“Where were you off to then?” Julian questions, leaning on the wall next to him. 

“Fetch more herbs. We’re running low downstairs.” You lie through your teeth, trying to smile through the pain you feel throughout every bone in your body. 

He raises an eyebrow at you, taking another bite. “Is that so?” 

“Yes!” You try to say as convincingly as possible, scratching the back of your neck. 

“Well, I’ll accompany you the..” Julian smiles, taking your shoulders and spinning you around, starting to you lead you out of the palace. 

“Why?” You ask quickly, looking back at him as he leads you through all the foot traffic. 

“I need to meet my leech dealer. I’m running low.” Julian explains, using one hand to grab his mask from his belt and fix it over his face. 

“Ah. Well... Alright.” You start to panic, racking your brain for ways to split from him. Of all days, today is the one where he’s in an exceptionally good mood. You would've killed for an outing like this a few days ago, now the outing might kill you. As the hallways clear up, Julian takes your hand as you both continue out of the palace, and you worry he can feel your fever burning through his gloves. 

“We can cut through the marketplace, and follow the alley all the way to…” Julian details a list of shortcuts to get to the south end, then to the forest for your ‘herbs’ from there. You nod your head carelessly, suppressing a cough that’s threatening to come up from the back of your throat. Everything around you is spinning, and thinking up a plan to get to the Docks without Julian coming with you seems near impossible. He starts walking down the alleys, pulling you close behind him. At this point, you’re even debating making a run for it, but scratch the thought because you know you won’t make it 12 steps without collapsing. You notice that Julian has started to pick up his pace… Or you’re getting weaker. Your skin boils, and you’re huffing through your beaked mask. “Julian… Can we… Slow…” You’re hardly able to finish your sentence before you feel your knees give away. Your hand slips out of Julian’s as you fall to the ground. The last thing you remember is your head colliding with the floor, before all you see is darkness. 

It feels like only a minute has passed before you come to. The first thing you feel is Julian’s leather gloves cupping both your cheeks. The first thing you hear is Julian’s voice, mumbling phrases like “No..” and “How..?”. The first thing you see is his face hovering his above yours, mask off, with tears overflowing onto his cheeks. He knows you’re sick. You muster up all the energy you have and push his face away from yours, but it doesn't move him. He pulls away from you on his own, slouching over you. 

“You’re gonna get yourself killed…” You whisper, your voice hoarse. Julian shakes his head, his hair falling over his eyes. 

“I was supposed to keep you safe.. I-I promised to keep you safe…” Julian sobbed, pulling his hands away to cover his face. This is exactly the situation you were trying to avoid. 

“It’ll be okay, my love, pleas-” You began, but your sentence was cut off by his hand slamming against a nearby crate. 

“No!! It won't fucking b-be okay, because you’re not o-okay!!” Julian yelled in between sobs, running his hand through his hair and showcasing his face. He was a sniffling mess, and his tears were non stop, pouring out of his eyes and running down his red cheeks. Your heart dropped at the sight of him. 

____“I…” Your words are caught in your throat. You prop yourself up on your elbows slowly, wincing because of the pain that came with the action. This caught Julian’s attention, and he helped you up, lifting your head to rest on his lap. “It will be okay, Julian. We’ll be together again. Whether in this life, or another, even the afterlife.” You reached up to cup his wet cheek, your vision starting to be obscured through your own tears. “We’ll be together again.”_ _ _ _

____Julian nodded hesitantly at your words, closing his eyes as he leaned into your touch. For a man who always has something to say, your situation has made him awfully quiet. You had no idea how much you meant to him until now. You both stayed quiet in the alley, trying to take in what little time you both had left together, knowing it would never be enough._ _ _ _

____“I have to go, Julian.” You broke the silence after a while, looking up at him with sad eyes. He took a deep, shaky breath in, before nodding and helping you stand. You put one arm over his shoulders, and he held onto your waist tightly, holding you as you took a few weak steps forward._ _ _ _

____Julian broke the silence after a few minutes of walking. “You weren’t going to tell me, were you?” You were slightly taken startled by his question, but kept your eyes on the floor as you nodded your head. “I… I can see why. I would’ve done the same thing.” He sighed, his grip tightening on your waist. “But I’m glad I… I’m glad I found out.”_ _ _ _

____“Me too.” You say breathlessly, holding onto him tighter. You keep your eyes down on the ground, focusing on the steady beat of Julian’s footsteps to keep on going. Before you know it, you’re approaching the dock. Looking at the scene going on gives you goosebumps. Families being torn apart. Guards with masked faces and long hooks, pulling and pushing people onto boats. Screaming. Crying. Death. You freeze where you’re standing. Julian does too, looking at the horrors going on only a few steps ahead of you._ _ _ _

____You turn to look at him, tears starting to form in your eyes. “Here we are.” You whisper, and he stands in front of you, holding your waist with both hands now, nodding wordlessly, tears forming in his eyes again. “Take care of yourself, Julian, for me.” You cup his cheek in your hand like you had before. His tears slip down his cheekbone, being absorbed into your linen glove._ _ _ _

____He finally finds his words, speaking in a whisper only you can hear as he looks deeply into your eyes, “I love you.”_ _ _ _

____You stare at him in astonishment, your jaw dropped. He’s never said that to you before. You consider for a second that he’s only saying it because he feels guilty… But the look on his face, the aura he’s radiating… You know he’s being truthful. Before you have the chance to respond to him, you feel a sharp pain around your waist and you’re yanked from Julian’s arms. The sudden pull thrusts you to the floor, and you look up to see a guard dragging you along with his hook._ _ _ _

____“Boats’ almost full.” The guard grumbles through his mask. Everything around you is disoriented, and all you feel is pain, around your waist, your chest, everywhere. You look around desperately, searching for Julian._ _ _ _

____“How fucking dare you hurt them?!” You hear him yelling, and look around for his voice. “Get the fuck away-!!” You finally find him in the crowd as multiple guards stop what they’re doing to hold him down. He’s trying to fight them all frantically, trying to get to you. He has tears running down his cheeks, guards pulling at his limbs, punching and pushing him away, but his eyes never leave yours._ _ _ _

____“I love you too,” You whisper, just before being thrown onto a boat, everything going black._ _ _ _


	5. 01/10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Julian find the journal in present time, and read your old entries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, last one!! I wanted to give this a more... Recent ending, so here it is! A little short, but it gets the point across!

01/10

I don’t know how I used to do this job without you. It’s only been a few days since you’ve been...gone, and it's so hard. No one in the dungeon can decipher my handwriting like you could. You would make this dark place so much brighter, dear. I just need your thoughts right now. I need you. I hope you don’t mind that I’m writing in your journal like this. It's just all I have left of you. I feel like I’m talking talking to you this way... I know that makes me sound like I’m going mad, but it's like I am knowing that you’re not _here _anymore. Valdemar isn’t helping the matter. They’re driving everyone insane, Count Lucio is as well. I wish I could take a break. I wish I had taken more when you were here. I miss you beyond belief. I don’t know how I ever even lived before I met you.__

____

-J

____

\----

____

“Now what’s this?” Julian says to himself as he pulls a notebook out from a drawer. You take a step over to stand behind him, resting your hands on his shoulders. He brushes the dust off, and you both notice that your name is written across the bindings. Julian looks back at you, his mouth slightly dropped as he glances between you and the book.

____

“Let’s look through it,” You say as you pull it away from him, sitting on the cot in the back of his small office. 

____

“My dear, why don’t we read it somewhere else?” He stands from his chair, walking over and pulling you up from your seat, one hand holding yours and the other wrapped around your waist. “You know I’m not keen on you being down here, it worries me.”

____

You nod slightly, squeezing his hand. He hates having you come down here, it drives him insane with worry. You know you can handle yourself, but he certainly has the right to be concerned, considering what happened in the past. “Lets go, sweet thing.” You cooed, starting towards the door. Before you can exit Julian’s office, he fixes a beaked mask over your face as well as his own, keeping them on just until you get out of the dungeon. You make your way through the palace into the spare bedroom Nadia has set aside for you and Julian, and open the notebook. As you go through the pages and read each one, memories flood back into your heads. Although the content was overwhelming, it didn’t hurt to remember now. It felt like a fog was lifted from your mind with every entry. Finally, after reading the last page, Julian shuts the journal, looking up at you with his eye just as wide and teary as yours. Without saying a word, he tackles you in a hug, burying his face into the crook of your neck as his tears are absorbed into your clothes. You let your own dam break, tears pouring out of your eyes onto his shoulder. With every sob you release, Julian squeezes you tighter, his lips pressed against your neck as he whispers reassuring phrases like “you’re here,” and “you’re okay”. But for every remark he utters, more tears follow down his cheeks. It occurs to you that he might be saying those things not only for you, but for himself. You detangle a hand from his hair and place another gently on his shoulder as you tug his face away from your neck. It takes a minute to pry him off, but you’re finally able to bring his face up to yours. You take both his cheeks in your hands now, and you look right into the rainstorm going on in his eye. 

____

“You’re right, my love.” You mumble against him as you pause to press kisses to his lips. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere-” Julian pulls you back into another kiss, and every time you attempt to get a word in he cuts you off with another, and another. “-anytime-soon-Julian.” Finally, he kisses you again, deeper this time as you both become a mess of lips and tongue. When you pull away to take a breath, he rests his forehead against yours, giving you a genuine smile, which curls into a tear-filled smirk. 

____

“What was it with you and herbs?” He questions, still sniffling. 

____

“Hey!!" You pull away from him quickly, still a crying mess. "You’re not one to judge when you fell for it, twice!!” You joke, pushing at his shoulder playfully. Julian laughs, snaking his arms around your sides to pull you back into his embrace as he lays down on the plush bed with you beside him. 

____

“Right, love.” Julian kisses the tip of your nose, watching you with his adoring watery eye. 

____

You run a hand through his hair again, and it softly bounces back into place as your fingers continue their way through. “When am I not?” You whisper as you return his loving look with one of your own. 

____

“Never.” He cups your cheek in his hand, wiping away the tears that lingered on your cheeks. “You were right about us too.”

____

“What do you mean?” You tilt your head into his hand, nuzzling into it slightly as you place a kiss on his fingertips. 

____

“You said we would be together again,” Julian starts, pulling you in and kissing you deeply before finishing his statement. “And here we are.”

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed!! This was the first piece of writing I've ever posted, and I'm glad it was able to make people happy! Or, sad, more sad than happy, but y'know, a little bit of both! Thank you all ((:

**Author's Note:**

> I might write more? In between these dates and etc, but I'm not sure if I will, anyways, thank you for reading!!


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